While reading this you find yourself. You may even think I am writing about you. Maybe I am, because everyone has that inner child that is crying out for help. When it seems nobody can here your cry. This is for the children of a broken home, preachers daughter and or to the perfect home if there is one.
Sometime you find yourself looking into space asking yourself why me? What did I do so bad for these things to keep happening to me? You must always remember you are not alone. There are billions of people around the world going threw something maybe a little worst than you…
The key to a child cry nobody may never understand. Nobody understand why a child cry. Some children cry and no tears may not fall. It does not mean that child is not hurting. It don’t hurt for you to spend time with your child, tell the child you love them and show the child how much you love them. My reasons for saying that is….
There was this little girl name Anne that is about 7 years old watching her parent fight, drink and do drugs everyday. That is all the child knows. Anne begin to look for love. All Anne wanted was her grandmother. Her father Rickie let her stay with his mother and sister.
That was the worst that could happen to Anne. Her aunt Faye and her grandmother Wanda is always in church and leaves all of the kids home. Two months after Anne 8th birthday day she was outside playing double dutch “jump rope” with her cousins until. Someone said lets play “Hide-go-Seek”! Anne didn’t know any better so she played the game with them. As they was playing the game Frankie grabbed her into her uncle Charlie’s’ Van. He begin to rape her. Frankie did not hit her just forced himself on her. Anne’s’ aunt Rena too her to the doctor. Dr. Roberts said she will never be able to carry a child. Anne said Dr. Roberta “ so I will never have anybody to love me”? Dr. Roberts said, you have friends, your mother and your father. Anne said, I will never have anyone to love me. Cause my friend hurt me, my mother and father don’t love me. I have nobody to love me back. Anne just left with her head down crying leaving Rena and Tony in tears after not believing her.
The next week Anne had to return to school. A teacher name Mrs. Allen walked up to her and asked was she okay. Anne said “are you my friend”? Mrs. Allen looked lost, then Anne asked her again “are you my friend”? Mrs. Allen said yes honey! Then told Anne to come in the classroom with her. Mrs. Allen sat on the floor with Anne and played a board game. While playing the game Mrs. Allen begin to ask Anne questions on what was wrong. Anne said nobody love me. Mrs. Allen being to tear up. She said honey I love you! Anne said everybody that love me hurts me so are you gonna hurt me too. Mrs. Allen started crying and held Anne in her arms and begin to sing “Jesus Loves Me” Anne until she went to sleep.
While Anne sleep she ran to the office and told Mr. Allen the principal. When Anne woke up and seen Mr. & Mrs. Allen standing in the room she begin to cry. She said what did I do, what did I do? Mrs. Allen said baby you did nothing wrong. This is my husband honey we are your friends we only want to help. Anne said, “you can’t tell nobody please”! “ Nobody love me everyone hurts me”, “Everyone leaves me”! Mr. & Mrs. Allen said we love you and we want leave you. Anne said my dad left me after he beat me. Mr. Allen said, what do you mean honey? Anne said, my dad got mad at me because I wouldn’t take a bag to his car for him. Mrs. Allen said, what was in it honey? Anne said, my father had some clothes, soap, tooth brush and tooth paste in a bag (crying as she telling what happen to her.) Anne ask my dad where was he going and why was he leaving. Tony said, do as he say and stop being grown. Then he begin to beat Anne and left scares all on the her back, legs and arms. Then he got in his car and left! The neighbor Mrs. Adams came over to check Anne . Mrs. Adams seen all the blood and said WOW I’m calling the police! Anne begged her not to call the police so Mrs. Adams daughter Sharon took her to the hospital.
A few years has passed Anne mother Rena begin to get very sick. Anne begin to tell her two best friends Candy and Rose what was going on at home. It was just her and her mother now. Anne is 11 years old now. Rena had a stroke in had to be put into the hospital for a while. Anne was scared wondering what was she gone to do. Tony said he didn’t have time for her right now. He sent her to live with his Faye and her grandmother Wanda again. At age 11 Anne had to have sex for food sometimes even to get something to drink. When she tried to tell her father he slapped her and told her to get the hell out of his face with your lieing ass. Anne went to school and still made good grades. The only person Anne could trust in the house was Wanda. Anne begin to tell her grandmother everything that was going on around her. Wanda could not believe that was going on around her. She grandmother told her never hide anything from her anymore no matter what it may be. Rena got better and came home. Things seem to get better for Anne until Tony comes around. He only came around to take her mother money. Then he leaves again after he takes all of the money. He want even come back to see if they are in need for anything.
Three years passes by so fast. Then Anne grandmother Wanda, fell sick. She had to be put into the hospital. Nobody wouldn’t tell Anne what was going on with her grandmother. Anne did the only thing she new best was to talk to Candy and Rose her best friends at school. Mrs. Martin called and told Anne what was going on with her grandmother. Mrs. Martin ever took Anne to see her grand mother while she was in the hospital. Anne was lonely all over again. Anne grandmother told her “I promise I will be with you on your birthday”. However, Anne grandmother Wanda passed away a week before her 15th birthday. Anne aunt Susan wanted to keep a promise that Grandma Wanda made to her by trying to have the funeral on Anne birthday. That made the family very mad. Even Anne did not want that to happen. Anne explain to her aunt Susan why she did not want to have her grandmother funeral on her birthday. Like always nobody would listen to her Faye and Susan had the funeral on Anne birthday anyway.
After the day of the funeral Anne begin to shut everyone out. She stop talking to everyone while in school. Just did her class work and went home everyday after school. Nobody knew that Anne found a friend name April in school she felt she can trust other than Candy and Rose friends she already had. She being to tell April what she was going through. Just to learn that April was dealing with some problems at home as well. Anne and April would go to church together. They even write there own song to sing in church together. They started looking for love in all the wrong places. They started drinking and doing drugs just like there parents. Having sex with all types of boys just to feel love at that moment. Staying out all not with them for money, gifts and ect..
A few months later Anne finds out her father had another family. She wanted to meet them. At that point she learn she had a two year old brother. Anne asked Rickie how can you love him more than me? Tony replied “ girl shut the hell up you don not know what you are talking about”. Anne replied “ daddy you show him more love than me”. Tony said, just get to know him. Anne tried hard to love her brother but she just couldn’t understand what was really going on and why did it happen to her family.
In that same year Anne got her a job and began to help her mother with the bills and food. When her father Tony finds out she had a job he began come to there house and trying to take the money from them. At that point Anne had got in good with a teacher Mr. & Mrs. Martin. They would not allow Tony to take from them anymore. Tony acted as if they owe him for staying in his family house. That is when Anne found and apartment for her and her mother to live. Tony was not happy about them moving out of his family house, so he tried to send Rena to a nursing home to live and leave the little girl with this sister. Anne teacher Mrs. Martin was not pleased with that so she put a stop to him fast. Mrs. Martin went herself and talk to the apartment manager and told them a little of what was going on. Then the apartment manager allowed Anne and her mother to move in the next day. Even know they did not have anything but there clothes they was pleased with the help from Mr. & Mrs. Martin.
After a week of living without anything the little girl family wanted to help. Her aunt Faye explain to them why they did not step up when they was living with her father. Faye stated, “ Tony told us not to help you and your mother. Your father is a mean man baby! But you stayed strong in all this mess he put you through. I am so proud of you hunny.” Anne cried and asked her, “ but you are my aunt why did it take a stranger to help us when we got family?” There was no reply from Faye. Faye, just got up and walk away with even saying a word. Anne said, see this is why I don’t have a family. No one care about me and no one love me. I can handle this without family, so she did just that.
Anne then tired to make peace with her father and his new family after all Tony did to her and her mother. She tried to get closer to her brother like her father ask. She worked overtime for two weeks to have her brother a birthday party. Anne paid for everything for the party but it seems as if she was not wanted there. She over heard her brother mother saying that she don’t know why, Anne is spending all her money on the party and that is not her brother anyway. Anne tapped her on the shoulder and asked her to repeat what she just said and she did . At that point Anne slapped her brother mother and they began to fight. While Anne father stood there and asked the little girl to leave his house. Anne threw the cake on the ground and gathered her things and left and never went back to that house again. Anne then went back to the streets.
Then Anne got pregnant at age 15 with twins. She didn’t let anyone know she was pregnant but the baby father Rickie. Anne told one of her cousins Monica she was pregnant. Monica told her father! Tony came to Rena and beat Anne with a belt buckle in the chest, back, legs, hands, etc… until he killed the babies. Anne was bleeding so bad while her mother watch and did nothing. It took the neighbors daughter Sharon and her boy-friend Ron to get her to the hospital for help. Before they get her to the hospital Anne was having one of the babies in the car. When they got her to the hospital Dr. Hanna said, “they don’t have long, where is the parents”? As Anne father entered the ER he was yelling “LET THAT LITTLE BITCH DIE”! Dr. Hanna told the nurse to call 911 and have Department of Social Services to come with them. When D.S.S. get to the ER Anne was begging Dr. Hanna to help her. Asking her not to let her die. D.S.S. wouldn’t help the child they was on Tony side even after seeing what the Tony did to Anne. Tony wouldn’t sign for the consent to allow Dr. Hanna to treat the her. That is when Dr. Hanna gave the consent paper to Anna and explain to her what it was and said if she sign the paper so she can save her life and she would have a nurse to witness it. Anne sign the papers and Dr. Hanna saved her life. After Anne sign the papers ,then police removed her father from the hospital. At that point Anne was so scared and the fear of her own father not loving her anymore hurts her the most. She feared that the only people ever loved her was total strangers.
In her stay at the hospital no one came to visit her to see if she was okay. She was released from the hospital a few days later. It is sad to say she had to sign herself out of the hospital and walk home alone. Wondering do she still have a place to stay. She was just walking and crying all the way home. Wondering what type of life she gonna have without a family? What did she do so wrong in life to make her father hate her? What do love really feel like? She was having all kind of things running in her brain. At the same time she had nobody to talk to. Her depression was taking control of her at the moment. All she could do was cry. When Anne got home her father had moved out of the house. Rena was left there all alone. Rena did not eat anything while she was gone. Tony took all the money they had and just left. The next day the light was cut off. Everything was going down hill fast for Anne and Rena. Mrs. Adams, lady next door knew what was going on and offered her help. Just when the Anne was giving up on life, Mrs. Adams brought food and help paid the light bill for them. She told Anne “ please don’t give up on life it will get better for you”. Anne walked away crying. Asking Mrs. Adams Why my father don’t love me. Mrs. Adams said, baby people have to learn life the hard way sometimes. You have no need to worry because everything gonna be aright okay baby. Anne still crying and said okay. Mrs. Adams took care of Rena while Anne go to school. Knowing she was sick too. Mrs. Adams health turns for the worst when Anne got into the 10th grade. At that point Anne went from a A student to a C student very fast. Mr. & Mrs. Martin stepped in and put in a request with the school for home-bound for Anne. Mrs. Martin, made sure all Anne work was sent to the school each day so she can keep up with her grades and work.
By age 17 Anne became the manager of the store she was working in and was doing well until she got pregnant again. Anne was so, so scared! She did not tell anybody but the baby father that she was pregnant for a while. She tried everything to hide the pregnancy from her father even knowing he was not in her life. When Anne knew she could no longer hide it she told her mother. Rena was so happy for a while. Then her family members notice that she was pregnant and that is when Monica told her dad. She also told Tony and there is nothing you can do about it but stay away from Anne or you will go to jail. Three months later Anne gave birth to a beautiful little boy. That was the happiest anybody ever seen her. Then Anne life changer for the worst. Her life changed when Monica told Rickie that the baby was not his. She also told Rickie it was the boy next door Tommy baby. Rickie got very angry and went a brought a gun then called Tommy around the house and shot him in the head. That God the bullet did not kill him over a lie. Anne had to make a life decision for her and her baby boy fast. The office manager of the apartment her and Rena was living in wanted them out. She then made an agreement with them if she move out can her mother stay in a smaller apartment. They said yes we can do that for Rena. Anne became homeless with a child and had no job. Sleep where ever she could with her baby. Anne then asked her mother could she come stay with her and leave early in the morning. Rena said yes because she knew Anne did not have anywhere to go with the baby. Then Rena began to change on Anne. Making her leave late at night with her baby. Anne began to sleep at the park in the winter time with her baby. Anne ask her Aunt Faye could she come stay with her for two months Faye, said no. Anne just walked away with water in her eyes. As she and the baby was headed back to the park a small car pulled up someone asked was she okay. Anne was so scared. So the guy said, my name is Walter are you sure you and that baby okay because it is very cold out here. Anne still said, she was okay. Walter drove off. About 20 minutes later Walter came back. He said I know you are sacred of me but you and that baby can stay out here it is to cold. Then he hand Anne a key to a hotel room and gave her $200. He told Anne I paid for the room for two weeks. The money is for food for you and the baby. I promise I will not hurt you or do any body harm to you and your baby. Please let me take to to your room. Anne so so scared but she got in the car with Walter. Walter took her to get something to eat and dropped.
Then dropped Anne and the baby off to the hotel room. Anne didn’t hear or see Walter until her two weeks was up. Anne told Walter he has been a blessing sent from God. He said “Thank you” but no! I have sisters and I knew you was having a problem and I just wanted to help. Walter didn’t stop there. That same day Walter found a home for Anne and the baby. Anne even went and got her a job. After getting on her feet Anne never seen or heard from Walter again. She was happy in her own place at age 17 just her and her baby boy. Paying her own bills, cooking her own meals.
Until Rickie got out of prison. Anne let him come live with her so he could be with there baby boy. That did go so well. Anne gives him a DNA test. For about two weeks of Rickie living with Anne he became violent to her. Monica kept telling him Anne baby was not his. One night Rickie and Anne got into a bad fight Rickie put a gun to Anne head and made have sex with him if she didn’t he was going to kill her. Anne become pregnant again. Anne and Rickie gets the DNA test back and it states that Rickie is 99.999% the father. Monica gets so mad. Anne showed the test to her and said stay out of my life and she no longer wants anything to do with her. Anne also told her after today they are no longer family. A few weeks after finding out about the new baby Anne came home from work and Rickie had his friends in the house doing drugs in front of Anne son. Anne ask them to leave her house.
Rickie hit her so hard he made fall on the chair and hit her stomach. The next day Anne went to the health department to take some papers. She wakes up three days later in the hospital. Dr. Hanna tells her you lost the baby Anne. Anne was released from the hospital that next day. Rickie had moved out of the house. Anne was so happy he was gone.
Then one night Anne came home and Rickie had broke into her house begging her back telling her how sorry he is. What do Anne do? She take him back. Rickie say he not gonna hit her any more, he love her and he don’t want to loose her. Not even a month later, what do Rickie do? Come home high on drugs grabs his gun put it to Anne head and make her have sex with him again. Dang Anne in up pregnant again. Anne landlord finds out what was going on and ask her to move out. Rickie did it to her again. She was homeless with her baby. So she had no choice but to move in with his mother Mary. Mary was so controlling and mean. She would let Anne cook for her baby, She would make her buy all the food, and take her money. Anne would have to got to the washer to wash her and the baby clothes and the is a washer at the house. Anne family or friends was not welcome to her house. She couldn’t use the phone. Anne felt like she was in prison. When she finds out she pregnant Rickie is back lock up in jail. Anne called the jail and ask can she come see him. When she get there he tells her he got to do 5 years in jail for shooting Tommy. Anne want to jump up and down but she is too scared to show how happy she really is. That is when she tells him she is pregnant. He just look as if he seen a ghost. He asked her how and when? Anne told him that night you broke in and put that gun to my head and made me have sex with you. That is your how and your when. She said to Rickie is there anything else you need to know? He said no and Anne got up and walked out.
Anne suffered with depression very bad with this pregnancy. She didn’t want to have another child by Rickie. She just did not believe in abortions at all. She talked to Dr. Hanna about the situation. Dr. Hanna explain to her that it is call Rape is what he has done to you. She told Anne, she did not have to raise the child and she could give it up for adoption. However the choice is all up to Anne. While Anne was leaving the doctor office she ran into a women that talk to people about health care. The lady seemed nice and sweet to her. The lady even gave her a ride home. The lady name is Jennifer. She tired to gain trust from Anne in so many ways that day to get her to open up. She gave Anne her business card, home phone number and her cell phone number. She even took her out to eat. That next day Jennifer came by Anne house to talk to her about health care. Anne still would not open up at first. Jennifer began to talk about herself and what all she been threw as a teen mom. Some of the things Anne could relate to and some she could not. Anne began to ask Jennifer all kinds of questions like, what is it called when your husband put a gun to your head to make you have sex with him. Jennifer replied with hunny that is Rape in anybody eyes. Anne said my doctor said the same thing. Jennifer ask her did that happen to you? Anne said, yes twice. She said, the first time she lost the baby so it didn’t bother her as much. This time it is killing her inside out. Jennifer said, so it happen to you more than one time, hunny please let me help you. Also please leave that boy alone before he kill you. Anne started to cry. Jennifer said you may feel like you are all alone in this world. You are not alone! Jennifer began to take Anne to all of her doctors appointments and to almost any place she needed to go. Anne made a statement to Jennifer saying “I know me and my father don’t get along but I really miss him so much. Knowing her father was in prison for 5 years. Anne had so much hatred held inside her heart towards the people she loved and hurt her.
She didn’t trust nobody, She was waiting on Jennifer to do something or turn her back on her like everyone else did. Jennifer even help her understand there is more to life that allowing some one to harm you in that matter. Anne began to see life as things are not always bad. Not all people are out there to hurt you. Jennifer did tell her sometimes family is your worst enemy. Anne began to tell Jennifer how she can not stay with Rickie mother anymore she needs her own place fast. She said, she feel like she is in prison in Mary’s house. When she is hurting she can’t use the phone to call the doctor. Unless Jennifer is around, thinking Jennifer would report her to D.S.S.. It is amazing how people can show a fair face when they are scared.
The next morning Anne began to feel like something was wrong with the baby so she called Jennifer. Jennifer came and took her to the ER to get checked out. The ER doctor gave her some good news and some bad news. Informing her that the baby is fine and healthy but he is breach. Anne was clueless she had no idea what the doctor was saying to her. Thanks to Jennifer she explained it to her. Anne suffered with a lot of ER visits and over night stays at the hospital. At her 8 months visit the doctor told her she will have have a C-Section to have the baby. Anne eyes got big and oh boy was she scared. That following week Anne had another beautiful baby boy. When Anne came home Jennifer helped her find a new place to live but it was not ready for anyone to move in. Oh WOW! Tony said, Anne you can come live with me. Tony and Anne got along well out of all the years lot. Tony was living by himself in a two bedroom house. Anne and the boys move in with him. They was so happy together, but Anne was still sitting waiting on him to tell her to get out of his house. Then Anne meat Hector. Hector and Anne hit of right away. He knew she had kids and he knew she just had a baby. Hector did not care because he really like Anne. Her boys was age 1 and 3 months old. Hector took to the boys as if they was his own children. When Tony found out Anne had a boy-friend he got so mad with her. At the end of it Anne was so right, two months later Tony told her to leave. She packed her and the things and left. Moved in a three bedroom house. Hector would come over but never stayed at night out of respect for her. Hector and Anne became very close. Hector introduce her to his family and friends. Everyone around use seems so happy to see us together but Tony. Tony did not like the fact Anne was happy with anybody. Anne asked him do he hate her that bad to want her to live life unhappy and Tony said yes. I hate you and your mother. Your mother was my downfall and you was too. Anne couldn’t do nothing but cry. Then she heard gun shots Tony was shooting at her and April. They ran and ran until they got far away from him. Anne told Hector what had happen between her and Tony. Hector was so made. He told Anne and April not to go back to Tony house. Because that man going to try and kill you all….
The mad dairy tell how someone is feeling on a daily basic with out editing the word they are saying or feeling. The first female is feeling very alone and sad. She is also feeling as if nobody loves her the way she want to be loved. While reviewing her diary I asked could I add this to my book and she stated yes as long as her name was not used. I agreed to that.
More to come, I will keep you all posted.